NFL quarterbacks

If I was a NFL owner, I wouldn't care about legacy, records, statistics, or contract size. I would care about winning the super bowl. And to win the super bowl, you need a great quarterback. You could make the argument that Trent Dilfer, Doug Williams, and Brad Johnson are not great quarterbacks and they have won the super bowl. I would not argue that with you but I believe that they are the exception, not the rule. The Ravens and Bucs had elite defenses and Doug Williams played the game of his life in the super bowl. Here's my list of the top ten quarterbacks of all time:

10. Phil Simms. Phil is the only 1 win super bowl QB on this list. He's here because he still holds the record for the most efficient super bowl passing performance in super bowl XXI (22-25, 268 yds, 3 TDs, 2 of his incompletions were drops) and he did most of the regular season work during the super bowl XXV season before giving way to Jeff Hostetler. Phil was hurt a lot but was a gamer.

9. Bob Griese. Griese has a 2-1 record in the super bowl. He lost his first appearance then won two in a row. He was blessed with Mercury Morris, Larry Csonka, and Jim Kiick, as well as a great defense, but he was a winner. Too bad he couldn't pass that along to his son.

8. Roger Staubach. Roger the dodger won the Heisman while at the Naval Academy. Then he did a tour in Vietnam. Then he came to America's team and won two super bowls. That gets you #8 on my list.

7. Bart Starr. The original Alabama QB. He played under Bear Bryant, then moved up to the frozen tundra of Green Bay where he won super bowl 1 and 2, setting the standard for QBs for the rest of the super bowl era. Bart Starr also had the coolest name a quarterback could ever have. It's like a cross between an old west villian and a stripper. Awesome.

6. Ben Roethlisberger. Rapeiness issues aside, Ben is 2-0 in the super bowl. The last minute TD toss to Santonio Holmes is exactly why these guys are paid 10 million dollars a year. He is a clutch player who is currently on the superhighway to oblivion between his frat boy bullshit and weight issues. I don't think Ben takes his career as serious as he should, but he's a great big game QB.

5. John Elway. Poor John Elway. He went 0-3 in the big game as a youngster, all blowouts by NFC powerhouse teams. Then at the tail end of his career, he found Terrell Davis and went out the way every QB would love to: with two consecutive super bowl wins.

4. Troy Aikman. Troy was originally recruited to run the wishbone in college at Oklahoma before tranferring to UCLA and becoming a prized drop back passer. He suffered early on in his career with the Cowboys, but Jimmy Johnson and Jerry Jones built an awesome team around him. Troy won 3 superbowls in 4 years and was undefeated in the big game.

3. Terry Bradshaw. Terry Bradshaw may play an idiot on FOX, but he was a huge winner, going 4-0 in the super bowl. He doesn't have many steeler records left since Ben the Rapist has broken most of them, but he was never about the records, he was about winning and he did it better than most.

2. Tom Brady. Had David Tyree not made that silly catch off his helmet, Tom Brady would probably #1 on this list. Brady is the second most clutch QB in the history of the game which could change since his career isn't over yet. He always seems to win when his team needs him. He's the second QB in history to win 3 super bowls in 4 years and had a shot to 4 in 5 years. If he adds another super bowl ring to his resume, he'll go down as the best QB ever, but for now, that title belongs to...

1. Joe Montana. The absolute best guy to ever put on a helmet. He won with Dwight Clark, he won with Jerry Rice, he won with Roger Craig, he won with Ricky Watters. He was the constant in San Francisco for over a decade and won four super bowls in 8 years. He wasn't the fastest, strongest armed, or toughest, but he always found a way to win. One of the most impressive things he did in his career was keep Steve Young, a future hall of famer and super bowl winning QB himself, on the bench for 5 years. There is not another QB out there who could do that. Joe Montana is the best QB in the history of the game.

Honorable mention: Johnny Unitas, Brett Favre, Jim Kelly, Kurt Warner, Jim Plunkett, Len Dawson, Peyton Manning--sorry Dan Marino.

Guitarists

Top ten rock guitarists of all time is an awfully subjective first list. How do you figure out the top ten? Total records sold by the band the guy plays in? Total number of grammys? Total number of tickets sold? Fuck all that, then I'd end up with some asshole from Aerosmith as #1 and I won't have it. So I'll just base if off my favorite bands or individuals and if you don't like it, express yourself by telling me how bad I suck and that I don't know shit.

Here is the top 10:

10.Zakk Wylde. I know the knock on Zakk: every song he did with Ozzy sounds exactly the same or sounds exactly like a BLS song. So what, he still rips and you can tell a Zakk Wylde song from anyone else every time based off his trademark sound.

9. The Edge. I am not a U2 fan. But I will concede that even though it's extremely douchey to call yourself "the edge", the dude can play.

8. Jeff Beck. Beck is one of those dudes who probably learned how to play when he was 10 or 11 and has done nothing since but practice new ways to play and new sounds. You'd be out drinking beers and smoking weed, Beck would be in his garage practicing. He's like the Peyton Manning of guitar, he just keeps working.

7. Jimmy Page. Just awesome. He probably should be higher on this list but he hasn't done much mainstream stuff since Zeppelin broke up.

6. Stevie Ray Vaughn. Another guy like Wylde: you can recognize SRV songs from his sound alone. Sucks that he died young.

5. Slash. I'm dating myself, but I saw Metallica open for GNR at the Rose Bowl in 1993. I can't tell you how pumped I was to see my two favorite bands, until Axl pulled one of his normal prima donna routines and stormed off the stage because half the crowd left after Metallica's set. Anyway, Slash made GNR what it was. Axl could caterwaul into the mic for hours, but he'd of been exposed as an average singer if he didn't have Slash ripping it up next to him.

4. Kirk Hammett. Hammett takes a lot of shit from Metallica purists who say that Metallica IS James Hetfield and that Hetfields rythm guitar is what gives Metallica its sound. I disagree. I think Hammett fucking rips.

3. Jimi Hendrix. I really wanted to put Jimi #1. Really, I did. His stuff was awesome, the problem is that I wasn't alive when he was so it's hard for me to appreciate how much he changed rock. On a historical level, I know he did, but I didn't live through it. That doesn't change the fact that I still think he's awesome, I just couldn't put him ahead of #1 and #2. Plus he lost points for banging Janis Joplin. She looked like Mrs Fratelli from The Goonies.

2. Randy Rhoads. Why do all the great guitarists die young? Randy Rhoads, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn, etc... Randy and Ozzy together were better than Sabbath and Randy was the reason. Ozzy should be thankful that he has what he has today because of Randy. After Sabbath broke up, Ozzy was finished, but finding Randy and playing together saved him. Randy Rhoads kicks ass.

1. Eddie Van Halen. I'm not a VH fan either. But Eddie can play the fuck out of a guitar. I don't think anyone would debate that. Eddie Van Halen FTW.

Honorable mention: Dimebag Darrell, Eric Clapton (fucking sue me, I don't love Clapton), Carlos Santana, Todd Marinovich